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Say what you want to say...
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30 May 2002
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It's the things I might have said that fester.
-Clemence Dane-
I am not one who is good with words. I often get lost in my thoughts of what I could and should be saying, but I don’t always say what needs to be said.
I’m an emotional person, and that tends to get in the way of coherent and well-thought conversation. If someone makes me angry, I’m quick to attack. I don’t like that about myself, but I am who I am. I try very hard to temper my words so that I don’t come across as too abrasive. I also tend to have a very sarcastic way about me. When I am hurt, angry, upset, etc., I lash out with a sarcastic tongue that can sometimes create quite a sting.
With that said, there are often times that I would have handled myself quite differently in a situation—not just ones where I was angered. Have you ever walked away from a situation, any situation, and thought to yourself, Man, I should have said _____? This happens to me frequently. In fact, quite recently.
I recently ended a pretty intense relationship. During the last eight or nine months, I have held back things that I had wanted to say, and I think that only made it worse. I didn’t want to “hurt his feelings,” even though it was me who was being hurt by not being completely honest with my thoughts. Each and every time that I tried to walk away from the relationship with both of our hearts being intact, I’d reflect upon the conversations and wonder why I couldn’t say what I wanted to say, no, what I needed to say.
It does bother me, and it does fester in my mind. My friend Sandy can attest to the many times that I sat back and said, “I should have said this. I meant to say that.” Argh!
Even as I sit here now, after I have sent a final letter to Doug, I think of the things that I could have said… that I should have said… even things that I shouldn’t have said. I’m not saying that I wasn’t being honest to my feelings, but I will always question whether or not I should have been as honest.
It’s a never-ending struggle.
This has been a meager attempt at a collaboration for Random Acts of Journaling - May 2002.
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