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Because I was loved...
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24 June 2002
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If you could relive one day of your life without changing any of the events, which day would you choose? How willing are you to risk discovering that nostalgia has clouded the accuracy of your memories?
I’ve been thinking a lot about my ex-fiancé recently, Jeff. He and I were together for a little while before I called off the engagement due to familial disagreements.
It’s hard to consider going back to any given day without having some curious instinct to want to change something about it. Maybe it’s not that way for some people, but I rarely have a day where I don’t analyze what I’ve done and what I could have done better. It’s sick, I know. As I have thought back over the weeks of a day to which I’d like to return, just for the mere desire to relive it or bask in the same enjoyment, I can’t help but to think of Jeff.
I loved Jeff with all of my heart. Each moment I spent with him I had a smile on my face, and (it seemed to me at least) that nothing but love shone from my eyes. Emotion and desire have always been hard for me to hide, and as much as I tried, I couldn’t hide it from Jeff. Nor did I want to hide those feelings. I didn’t feel like I needed to.<
The company for which I was working at the time was having its annual Christmas party up in Door County, Wisconsin. This would be no ordinary staff holiday party at someone’s house or in a rented banquet room in a nearby restaurant. The boss lady went all out every year. This year would be no different. Our formal dinner – yes, formal meaning evening gowns and everything – would be in a nice little restaurant up in Egg Harbor. Not only would there be a fancy dinner, but we were all to be treated to an evening’s lodging in a cottage-type resort.
It would be a GREAT time, and I invited Jeff to attend the formal get-together with me. I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my time than with him. So, he flew to be with me. I bought a beautiful formal outfit to wear to the function – a black velvet top with a golden silk brocade long skirt that had a bit of a bustle in the back. I was so excited! Not only would it be a great party, but my boyfriend would be there with me (we hadn’t yet become engaged at this time).
It had been snowing very hard, and the trees and grounds were absolutely covered with a sparkling powder. The lodge was built into a wooded area, and there’s no other word for that place at that moment than the simple word, lovely. The room was spectacular. It was our own little get-away haven. Jeff and I made love in the flickering candlelight. We gazed into each other’s eyes, snuggled, played, and just fell madly and deeply in love with each other. Slowly but surely that fact was becoming clearer to each of us, but neither of us said a word to each other. It was a magical moment.
Our staff Christmas dinner at a lovely restaurant, the tables lit by dozens of candles. We mingled delightfully with the people with whom I worked. They all loved Jeff. He was a natural schmoozer. I watched him as he conversed, smiling softly at him and holding his hand. He watched me as I talked with those around me. After dinner, the boss lady had arranged horse-drawn carriage rides for all of us. We went back to the room, Jeff and I, and slowly undressed each other, falling down together in each other’s arms.
When we were… umm… finished, we dressed in our warm clothes and went to the lobby to wait our turn for the horse-drawn carriage ride. The lobby was cozy and inviting. It had a wooden staircase on one side, and in one corner was a fireplace. There were many of us, so we drank hot chocolate around the fireplace and sang some Christmas carols. When it was finally our turn, we climbed up into the carriage and snuggled under the heavy blankets. We were riding along with the boss lady and her husband and had a nice conversation as we were taken through the streets of the quaint little town of Sister Bay (where the lodge was) and then around through a snow-covered field. Yes, it was a perfect night.
It was that day that we professed our love to each other. It was that day that I knew that I was going to be with him for the rest of my life. It was that night that I wanted to last forever. But it can’t last forever, can it?
Regardless of all the stuff that has happened since, namely my family’s interference and my spineless back, that was the first time that I felt completely and utterly loved by a man. Yes, I would want to go back to that day and re-experience everything all over again. Would I be willing to risk finding out it wasn’t as good as I remembered? Yes.
When I was with Jeff, I knew without a doubt that he loved me. He had no qualms about telling me that he loved me. We enjoyed that day and night because we were with each other. I don’t think that there would be a risk of it not being as wonderful as I remember it. How could being in the arms of the only man who has truly loved you be a bad thing?
Right now I am in a place where I crave that kind of feeling again. Since Jeff, I’ve never felt that kind of emotion and love from a man. It’s times like these that I cry into my pillow at night, feeling so lonely and brokenhearted, that I would do anything to go back to that time just to feel it again, to know that it was real.
I wouldn’t have any desire to change anything about that day; it was perfect. I was loved.
This has been a collaboration for the If… Project - June 2002.
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