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Hole in my heart...
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15 May 2002
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I am hurting tonight – more than I’d like to let anyone know – for a myriad of reasons. In more than one aspect of my life I am feeling inadequate. I know that it’s just a fleeting cloud that is looming above me, and that tomorrow it may have moved on, leaving nothing but sunny and happy thoughts. But until then, I feel the heaviness of that “gloom, despair, and agony on me.”
I’ve said goodbye to someone that I loved… someone that I love. I’ve been in love with a man that doesn’t have the capabilities, it seems, to return that love. I thought for a while that it was me that he couldn’t love, that he just didn’t feel that way. But over a long period of time I have come to the realization that he couldn’t love anyone right now. Neither scenario – lack of capability or desire – is really all that easy to swallow, quite frankly.
I’ve loved him for a long time. I would have given him the world if he had wanted it; I very nearly did. All I could think of was how to make him happy. What could I do to make sure that he was cared for and loved? I didn’t even mind putting his needs and desires above my own; I loved him. However, after nearly two years of giving everything that I had to give and having little returned, I began to feel starved. I know that he cared about me. But that just wasn’t enough. I wanted love.
What was wrong with me? What more could I do to earn his love? I wasn’t giving him what he needed, what he wanted. I was trying really hard, but failing miserably. Inadequate at love.
We “broke it off” January 17th, after several months of hurt and punctured trust. Although I was eager to give him everything, he was not so eager to give his all to me. He had other women, one in particular, with whom he shared himself. Even after numerous discussions (ie, crying on my part, apparent regret on his), he didn’t stop developing a deeper relationship with this other girl. He knew it was tearing me apart, and yet it wasn’t enough to make him stop. He didn’t even know why he did it – realizing that it was hurting me deeply. I tried several times to just end it. After all, I had declared on numerous occasions to friends that I would *never* allow a man to cheat on me. If he did, I was gone. Ha! So much easier said than done, isn’t it?
Nearly four months later, I’ve told him goodbye for the last time – I think. It just got harder and harder to accept his attitude toward commitment and love. He can’t commit? Fine. Then I need to move on, which is something that he didn’t really want to allow to happen. I even asked him, after telling him that I was going out on a date, if it was a case of, “not wanting me but not wanting anyone else to have me either”, and he said ‘yes’. Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I couldn’t risk my happiness anymore when I came to the full realization that he was never going to love me. That hurts. But it hurts more to stay in that kind of relationship.
I’m hurting a lot right now. I miss being with him. I miss that relationship that we once had. It hurts to know that I will never feel his arms around me again. I’ll never taste his lips on mine again. I’ll never look into his beautiful eyes again, not the way that I used to.
I know that I am doing what’s best for me. I know that it’s what I have to do. I even realize that it’s the best thing for him. It gives him the chance to get out there and be with other women, as is what he desires, it seems. As previously stated… whatever makes him happy.
I’m incredibly lonely, and my heart hurts.
Rivers flow into the sea
Yet even the sea is not so full of me
If I'm not blind why can't I see
That a circle can't fit
Where a square should be
(Extreme - "Hole Hearted")
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