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Hindsight
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24 April 2002
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“Hindsight – It’s like foresight but without a future.”
George Monroe, the movie Life as a House
Apparently I was an evil child. I seem to have had naughty thoughts demonstrated by devious actions.
When I was little, my two sisters and I shared a room. We called it “the long bedroom” because, well, it was long! Heheh. The walls of the room were wood-like paneling. The pattern was a light gray with the grain of “the wood” a blue. Yes, it was beautiful! One of the walls – to the left of the door – had evidence of apparent abuse. Wonder who would have abused such a fine example of interior design.
My sisters and I inherited our hot temper from our mother. Although she is a wonderful woman, she is quick to anger. It goes without saying that that… err… spirit would invariably rub off on her offspring. Humbly, I must admit that the potency is less offensive as it travels through the generations. At least, I hope it does! I would like to have a little hope for my future children.
During the years of our habitation within those fine wood-paneled walls, there was many a fight that ensued. I do remember the door being kicked in on several occasions. I wouldn’t hesitate to recall that the wall was most likely attacked, as well. Can you imagine? Such fine, well-behaved, and sweet girls such as us? Yeah yeah… Well, as a result of heated and often physical ‘discussions’, the paneling began to break at one of the seams. We were able to push in on one side and kind of pull out on the other. That left a great space for the storage of any secret notes, hate letters, etc.
Through these annals, much could be learned about the occupants of the room. That in and of itself is a very scary thing!
My parents are remodeling the house a bit. They are putting in a loft in the living room, just above the “long bedroom”. Needless to say, they are remodeling the bedroom itself, as well. My sister messaged me the other day to let me know that her husband (who is the one doing the work on the parents’ house) was going to be knocking down that wall, and did I remember all the stuff that we used to put back there? Good grief, did I ever!
We used to write letters to whomever we were in angst over, angry with, frustrated with, in like with, etc. We would sometimes even seal them in an envelope and ‘mail’ the letter. We knew that they would never go anywhere, but it felt good doing something with those words that only we would read. However, sooner or later they’ve gotta be found, right?
Upon hearing what D. would be doing, I told my sister to get her hinder over to Mom and Dad’s and get those *things* before anyone else did! She told me that D. was waiting until she got there so that she’d have first dibs on the artifacts of our childhood. Heheh. He’s such a good man!
An hour or two later, I messaged her after seeing her pop online.
“Well?!?!?! Did you find anything? Just hit me with it,” I blurted out. “Don’t hold anything back.”
She said that she found one note, written by her and dated 1977, I am dumb. Poor Sis. She must have been having a bad day there in 1977. She would have been nine years old, and we all know how tough life is for nine-year-olds!
“Yeah, yeah! Anything that’s going to incriminate me???” I asked anxiously.
I was a little nervous the whole time. I mean, I was a pretty normal little girl, but I do remember getting really mad at my sisters and my mom. I went through a really horrible time in my pre-teens with my mom. I still beg her forgiveness for that (thankfully) short stage of my life. Did I write anything horrible to my mother? Did I say anything horrendous about my sisters? Did I have those ‘true colors’ that people speak about so frequently?
Nothing could have prepared me for what my sister was about to tell me. She tried to preface it with her own reasoning – it was likely the time that our cousin was staying with us and because our brother had this magazine… I really don’t remember the rest of her hedging because my eyes were bugging out at the thing that she had found: answers to a survey that had apparently come from a Playboy magazine. The answers were all a-b-c-d, but I had included some information about myself, even the name of our church. The year and timing put me around eleven. ELEVEN!
Surprisingly, my sister was fairly understanding about it, and she offered up all kinds of reasons that I might have done that. She even complimented me on my follow-through – there were apparently 133 questions on this survey-questionnaire! Imagine that. Also, there were no questions, just the a-b-c-d answers. One hundred and thirty of them. ;-)
I immediately tried to plead my case, although I really didn’t need to do that. My sister was sure that I was too naïve to know what I was doing at the time. I mean, I had included the name of my church, for crying out loud! I racked my brain trying to think of the first time that I might have laid eyes upon an issue of such a magazine. In fact, I don’t know if I’ve *ever* looked at that magazine. Truly. I really don’t know if I have. I remember being shown some pictures or something by some of my friends in school. In fact, I wonder if it was they who might have given me the questionnaire to answer. I most likely didn’t even see the magazine! But it still makes me curious as to why or how I would have had it. Dear God! Heheh.
I was, in no way, ready to hear that. I was thinking that maybe there would be some hate letters or something, but not anything to do with Playboy! Hello! I know that I have placed most of my childhood back in the recesses of my memories, but…
I have disappointed my family in the past with the choices that I have made, and I was getting myself ready to have to deal with her twenty questions or assumptions or whatever. She delighted me by being very understanding.
Thank the good Lord for small blessings!
P.S. I wasn’t an evil child. Truly. ;-)
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