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Two Against Time
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21 April 2002
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Tonight I watched a movie called Two Against Time on CBS that just ripped my heart apart for the better of two hours. Marlo Thomas played a mother who was dying of cancer, but she had a daughter who was also struggling with cancer. It was so sad. I don't want to make this a sad entry, but I did want to reflect upon it for just a bit.
Cancer has touched so many people's livees, and it's hard to imagine that there is anyone that hasn't been touched by it in one way or another. It's touched my life.
I am scared of cancer. I am afraid that one day I will have it, and I've pretty much settled on the conclusion that I will, some day, be diagnosed with some kind of cancer.
While I know that that sounds like a morbid way to think, I tend to be realistic about this. My mother's mother had breast cancer - a survivor. My father's mother had breast cancer - a survivor. One of my mother's sisters had breast cancer - a survivor. My maternal grandmother's sister had breast cancer. My paternal grandmother's sister died of cancer; I'm not sure what type it was. Am I crazy to think that I might find myself with cancer some day?
This does not make me panicky or stressed out, though. I guess there's just as much of a chance that I won't get it. But that is not what I want this entry to be about.
I want to reflect on my good fortune. Although there have been those in my family that have survived cancer, I've not known anyone, in my family, to do die of it. A contradiction of aforementioned grandmother's sister, you say? No, I didn't know her; I knew of her. I have been lucky enough to not lose anyone to it. Whenever I watch movies like the one I did tonight, it makes me cherish what I *do* have all the more. I am fully aware and appreciative of the fact that I have both of my parents and all of my siblings. I've not suffered any horrible disease, nor have my brothers or sisters. My grandfathers both died - one of an aneurism and the other from difficulties stemming from heart failure and diabetes. Grandpa A. died when I was about five years old, and Grandpa H. died when I was about twenty-three. I didn't have much time to know my mother's father, so I don't really remember much. My father's father, however, died when I was an adult, but he was older - in his early 80's. I guess it's just less shocking when people die then. Gosh, I feel coldhearted when I say that. It's not what I mean. Although he had medical conditions, I know that old age was one of the greatest factors of his death. I still get sad when I think about him, but I am grateful that I got to know him for so long.
I watch a show like tonight's, and I just say a quick 'thank you' to the one above, knowing that I have been spared (thus far) from something so very heartbreaking and life-changing. There are so many people that are having to endure the most traumatic times, and I sit here crying at just the mere thought of such a thing. I can't even imagine the pain that must be felt by them.
All I can think is that people who experience something as horrible as cancer (and other horrendous diseases or sicknesses) are strong. They are probably stronger than they ever wanted to be. I look up to people like that. I sometimes burst out into tears at the mere thought of my parents dying - or my sisters or brothers. I have a vivid imagination, and sometimes it just gets the best of me. What would I do? What would my life be like without them? I don't ever want to know that kind of pain and loss. But it's inevitable, isn't it? It's part of life, death. I just pray that I will be like those who have been before me.... strong.
I have so many things that I am grateful for, and sometimes it's just good to sit and remember them - think about them.
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