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Into the Flow
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14 April 2002
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releasing my resisting stance
lift my feet in graceful dance
follow the course gently guiding
effortless and freely riding
to faces places yet unknown
where i will make his will my own.
(Words by B.B., "Black River")
I was feeling a bit sentimental one day. I have days like that when I just start thinking of all my past relationships; there haven't been that many. I tend to get serious when I date someone more than just once or twice, so the relationships that I've had have been fairly involved.
While in a melancholy mood, I became very curious about what my first fiance is up to. The last time that I spoke with him, he had just married and had moved to another city in Wisconsin. I knew that he was still dabbling in his band, so I took a chance that he still had a website and looked him up. There was a site! Not only that, but he a new CD out.
Of course I had to order it. Not only that, but I ordered one for each of my sisters. They both enjoyed B's music, so I thought I'd treat them with that.
I tend to have this odd sense of loyalty to a person. Although we have not spoken in years, I still want to support him in any way that I can. He has a daughter now. Wow. That is weird. We were engaged to be married (unofficial - no engagement ring or anything) and had so many plans. It's definitely a bit unsettling to see him fulfilling those dreams with someone else. I'm happy for him, though. Very happy.
It's hard not to feel a little sad when a past relationship moves from one level to another - from single to married. I mean, I can no longer think of him as a "back-up". Isn't that awful of me to say? I never outright said that, I don't think, but deep down, I thought I'd always be able to turn to him if I needed to. I can't now. It makes me think about what went wrong in our relationship.
We were young. I was nineteen and he was twenty-two. He was my first serious relationship. It went so fast. I got a bit nervous, I guess, and called off the engagement. There were a couple of times that we sort of got together again, but we had both changed. It would never be.
He's such a good guy. He had so many good qualities, one of which was his musical talent. He sings, he plays guitar, he writes music, he writes lyrics, he sings... wow. He is so incredibly talented. I really hope that his band goes places - it has the potential! I just hope he remembers me when he becomes famous. ;-)
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