Herman Melville

bear...

I bear the burdens that many people do - a lost love, a lost dream, falling short of what others expect of me. I bear a great sadness when I consider all that I desire, and realize that I've not come close to getting it. Am I unworthy of the happiness that I crave? What are those things that I desire? Are they too selfish? What does my happiness consist of? Love - marriage - family. It's so very cliche, I know, but it is truly what I seek.

I do not have it. I want it desperately, yet I don't know how to go about getting it. I've tried. I have loved, and I have let those loves slip through my fingers.

I bear the frustration of knowing all of my past loves have moved on, gotten engaged/married, and some have even had children. We used to speak of having children together, what they would look like. Would they favor me? Would they favor him? What color would their eyes be? Would their hair be fine and light like mine, or would they have curly hair like his? We even decided on names. They would be names that could be shortened to "boy" names - Charlotte=Charlie, Francine or Francis=Franky, etc.

Then it always ended. So did my dreams. Only to be relit and then extinguished again.

I'm not alone in this, and I know this. There are many of us out there.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I hold on to that love?

It's not meant to be, many tell me with their soothing tones and hugs. Why not???

You're better off, others say with their jaws set firm, trying to comfort me by showing me that he didn't deserve me? Why not???

There are other fish in the sea, some dare to say. Where???

I can't bear being alone, but I yet I survive. It's all a mindset, I imagine. We are not given anything that we cannot handle, right?

Mr. Right will come along some day, my friends tell me. How will I know it's him? Will he fit the pants that I have laid out on my bed every night? Will he be the one for whom I have prayed to fill those pants?

Meanwhile..............

I find myself in a most unbearable situation as I wait for Mr. Right to come and sweep me off my feet. I have fallen in love... again... only to find out... again... that I *wanted* him to be Mr. Right, but he was only Mr. Right-for-awhile.

I can't bear to say goodbye to him. I love him. How are you supposed to tell someone, that you love, goodbye? How do you follow through on your words? Is there a magic pill that I can swallow to make it less bitter... less painful? Will my insurance cover that?

Letting love go....

My profession is another weight that bear. I am a teacher. I teach young minds - the future generation. I have many that cannot read, and for this, I fret and worry. I make myself sick. I cry. I get frustrated. I cry some more. Then I rejuvinate. I feel refreshed. I attack the monster of negativity head on. I bear the armor of knowlege and hope. Dreams are born of knowledge and hope, aren't they? Things that we can't quite grasp, but know are there... Hope that we will someday hold them in the palms of our uplifted hands.

I am a teacher. If I wasn't worried and fretting over the skills and bits of knowledge that seem to slowly, far too slowly, drip into the minds of these kids.....then I'd be concerned.

I am proud to be a teacher.

There are good things to bear, as well. Each and every 'bad' experience yields a lesson to be learned, a moral of the story, a life-learning detail. Not all is without merit.

All those whom I have loved have given me fond memories, joys that can never be taken away. Bart, Jeffrey, and Doug.......... All of these men will forever have a piece of my heart, and a taste of my soul. I would not be complete without them.