I don't know what the theme of this weekend's movies is, but if I were to guess, I'd say that it was "betrayal" or something similar.

Each and every movie involves men who cheat on their wives. One movie in particular touched me in a way that I wish I could overlook. I am in a very odd relationship. I've talked about my "man friend" at least once since I started this journal, but I've never given him a name. I think, for the sake of anonymity, I'll call him Doug.

I am in love with a man who cannot, for his own reasons, return that love. It's hard... very very hard. This is a man for whom I would give up everything. He cares about me; that is some comfort, but not nearly enough.

I've tried to walk away several times, but each time, I return to him because I do love him so much, and I can't imagine life without him. He's been a huge part of my life for over three years. I can't see far ahead enough in my life to even fathom what it would be like without talking to him everyday, sharing my thoughts and fears, the intimacy that I hold onto.

He talks to other women through the internet. That is, after all, how we met. He introduces himself to and forms relationships with women all the time. We've discussed it over and over again. I've shed many tears over it, always wondering what it is that I am not offering to him that he is still seeking in others.

As I've been watching these movies, I can't help but see the same things in Doug as the tv wives saw in their tv husbands. Doug and I are not married, but the same feelings abound each and every time I learn of another woman in his life.

They just talk, he says. It's nothing, just talking.

One girl didn't feel like it was "just talking" and he allowed their friendship to turn into more of a relationship. I think she fell in love with him. He let her fall in love with him. I have no worries of him falling in love with her - he doesn't love anyone, he says.

I cry every day over this man. It's a pattern, and I don't see an end to it. I knew that he wasn't looking for a commitment when I met him, and I didn't really know that I'd fall in love with him. I did, though. He doesn't want to hurt me, and I know that. One thing for which I am grateful is that he is honest. Sometimes his honesty is overwhelming. If I ask him a question, he'll tell me the truth, even if it stings.

He's such a great guy. I wouldn't feel this way about him if he weren't. He's brilliant, kind, sweet, considerate, and very very caring. I know that he feels as much for me as he is able to. But is it enough. We have changed our relationship slightly, but we have found ourselves doing the same things together as we always have. He's my friend...how can I let him go? When does the hurt become unbearable? It feels unbearable now yet I continue onward. One of the movies that I watched today (and yes I realize that movies are not real life, but the topics are often times very real) had a character on it that was a co-addict. Within that subject, the topic of co-dependency was broached. I depend on him, and I am afraid to give up that dependency. The women in the movies are always so strong. I'm not.